I had the most beautiful conversation with my friend the other night. One of those unexpectedly deep talks that started out as a playdate for our kids and ended with a tear-filled hug. It felt nice to connect, and I realized for the first time in my life I am not afraid to be authentically myself. Not afraid to be vulnerable. Strong enough to stand as myself. 

There have been times during the past two years where I completely forgot I was a person inside the shell I had created to protect myself from the cards I had been dealt. The rest of the world no longer existed for a long time. Friends were the last thing on my mind, and the isolation was mind numbing looking back on it. It feels good to let the alone-ness go.

I have been deep diving into figuring out my purpose as I emerge back into the world. Some days I can sit with the spiritual side of it, wonder what my journey in this life is and not feel overwhelmed by the complexity and hugeness of that question. And some days my purpose feels like it is simply to be here, to be a mom, to make healthy food for my family, to wash the laundry, to read a helpful book, and to put one foot in front of the other. 

Expressing myself through my words does seem to be part of my purpose though. It keeps finding its way back into my heart, and I’ve felt the urge to start writing here on my blog again even if it is only for my selfish creative release. 

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I went on a tangent there, Going back to the conversation with my friend. We got on the topic of how I think I have finally been able to change the despair of ‘why is this happening to me?’ into ‘why is this happening for me?’ or in the very least allowing it to flow through me. 

I caused myself mounds of stress in the early days of my health journey because I would spend hours denying the fact that this was happening at all. Constantly trying to swim upstream toward the idea that this would go away on its own. That didn’t happen, but I was eventually able to find a way to float with the current. 

It didn’t happen overnight, and I had to hear it again and again from many different books, YouTube videos, podcasts, and mentors before I no longer felt defensive when I heard the idea that this would turn out to be something to be grateful for.  

Find how this could be a positive thing. Find the good. Find the why. 

It all sounded like bull crap to me at the beginning. There was no way in heck I should feel grateful for these circumstances. Are you kidding me? I would put up walls so quickly. Very tall, strong, victim walls.

Finally, I started a nutrition program that changed my life and basically taught me how to stand up to the dragons I was faced with instead of cowering to them. 

Whew. That is not an easy feat when you’re face-to-face with things or circumstances you didn’t ask for in the first place. 

Somehow I am doing it. For the most part. There are still days where I wish I could fade into a “normal” life and be naive to all of the things I now know. But most of the time, I can sit here and say thank you, God. 

I look around at this life I have created because I was forced to look for the good in every moment during the dark days, no matter how small those moments seemed. I found freedom in letting my dreams expand and explode, taking me to places I literally only dreamed of going. 

Here I am though. Glowing, healing, growing. Fighting the dragons day after day, but slowly gaining brilliant armor and incredible valor. 

I look forward to sharing more as my journey unfolds. 

☀ Traci